I make no apologies for my opinions and how certain people grate on my nerves. I’m sure the feeling would be mutual given the opportunity. And that makes me happy.
‘I’m so mean’ Category
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My Hollywood Startlet Discord
January 24, 2012 by Marissa
Category All about me, asshattery, bawdy little monkey, I'm so mean, random blathering, video blogging | Tags: | 2 Comments
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Another Rissue moment
January 6, 2012 by Marissa
Category All about me, bawdy little monkey, freaky shit, guilty pleasure, I'm so mean, my mind is a scary place, randomosity, Rissues, That's Scary | Tags: | No Comments
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All I Want For Christmas
December 21, 2011 by Marissa
There is a price you pay when awakening at 4:30 AM on your day off. While waiting for the pot of coffee to brew, I sat down and turned on the telly. I had a choice between home shopping channels, informercials or “Married …With Children.”
First, let me just say the titles for the informercials are often misleading. For instance, one says, “Better Sex.” I don’t really concern myself with that since I have NO sex, but that is not what I’m asking Santa to bring me. Anyway, it is really a commercial for some ab belt that electrofies your abdominal area. Auto-active abdominal training. No crunches! Great! But that’s not going to solve the smooshiness on the rest of your body. It wasn’t about sex at all!
I opted to watch Al Bundy and his delightfully foolish family. That didn’t help me escape commercials for goofy products. A few months ago I shared the Forever Lazy product with you. It is basically a grown up footie pajama complete with escape hatches for the front and back. Easy access for when “nature calls.”
Now, there is a company dedicated to sending the gift of pajamas. All right! In another post I lamented over people wearing pjs in public. This will surely promote not only wearing pajama bottoms, but the head to tow HOODIE footie pajamas! EGADS!
This website carries a lot more than the footie pajama, but this ad particularly targets the female recipient. Guys, let me give you a bit of advice, if you are at a loss for what to buy your loved one, then you need to spend a smidgen of time getting to know her first.

Cute, right? The feet unzip! You can have it embroidered to personalize it, too. The tail is detachable, but there isn’t a drop seat for easy … well, good luck not getting that cute little hood with the ears on it in the toilet. And guys, if you think some lovin’ will ensue once she puts this fuzzy wuzzy get up on, good luck getting into it. This is no Forever Lazy with the EZ escape panels.
Oh, you think it’ll be more fun if you could have one, too? Fear not. Looky! It’s manly and collegiate.

Nothing says ‘come hither’ like a man in a grown up onsie!
Don’t leave out the kids and pets. If one of you is going to look ridiculous, then the entire crew should have to suffer. Hey! it’s next year’s Christmas card!
So, are ready to head over to the PajamaGram website? Your palms are sweaty with excitement, right? Before you grab that credit card, you should know the price of these darling holiday jammies. For adults, it’s a mere $79.99. Infants and toddlers run $25.99 — $29.99, Kids $39.99! Oh, and let’s not forget the mew-mew and pup! Those will cost you $19.99. Believe it or not, the XS-Large for pets are out of stock!
Aren’t you glad you have me to keep you informed on these must-not-miss products? Did you catch my 2011 As Seen On TV review? Did you catch my reviews from 2009? How about this one from May of 2009?
My question to you is if you’ve ever made late night insomnia induced crazy infomercial or web-surfing purchases and regretted it? How about a happy ending and you are so glad you picked up the phone and took advantage of the limited time offers? Please share your story, will you?
Category asshattery, freaky shit, I hate shopping, I'm so mean, toss your cookies, Uncategorized | Tags: | No Comments
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As Seen On TV 2011
December 8, 2011 by Marissa
Christmas always brings with it an onslaught of crappy ‘as seen on tv’ gifts to give to that person you don’t really know well or hate or … well, you just feel like throwing away money. When I was a kid K-Tel Records and Ronco ruled the airwaves on the limited number of television channels available. Who remembers the terrific contraption that would turn soda bottles and jars into drinking glasses? How about the doo-hicky that helped you create gift bows? or the Buttoneer? That thing basically used plastic price tag things to attach buttons to apparel. I just did a Google search on it and you can still purchase it. However, it’s updated and more streamlined. Sorry, I can’t find that bottle to drinking glass gadget. Darn. Ooooh, did you have a Bedazzler? I did. Worked like a piece of dung! I gave it to my niece … hey! It wasn’t regifting.
So, this year I went in search of the worst of the worst ideas in my humble opinion. We can agree to disagree on them. A couple of years ago I bravely reviewed (without really trying the products) a handful of items in a blog post called, What Not To Buy and another As Seen On TV Saturday Sickness. I can’t be 100% sure, but I pick on an exercise program that may or may not be a product that would eventually help me lose weight. I can admit when I’m wr … wrrrrrr… wrrroooo.. wrrrrrr … Hey! I hadn’t reviewed the products first hand. Get off me.
Here are the handful of untested products. I’m rating them on the idiotic nature of the infomercial. Sometimes, no matter how they spin it, it still comes across like a craptacular product.
First up is the My BOOTY BELT! If you’re like me, you clicked this assuming it was an invitation for a wild night of boudoir shenanigans. Wrong! It is a piece of elastic with snap on it to help close the gap in your jeans because you have a badonkadonk like Jennifer Lopez. Supposedly, it will prevent the rest of the world from viewing your coin slot. Or, as the case may be for some of us heftier types, the roll of Benjamins slot. Oh yeah. Woo!
Sorry there isn’t a video available for embedding on this one. You’ll have to click the link provided to view the commercial. Personally, I think it creates a terrible look. The extra fabric gathers and I’m willing to bet it will eventually work its way down and under the thick strip of elastic. I don’t need to try it to know it’s a piece of doo-doo. Maybe you could pair it up with the BOOTY POP and go for broke with your big bad mam-a-jamma self at the club. Work it guuuurl.To keep with the buttocks theme, I present to you the FANNY FARTING BANK. This booty product you’re glad has a visible coin slot. It’s the gift that adds interest to
your coffee table AND your bank account. *rimshot*… ewww aren’t you glad I didn’t use ‘rim’ in another use? Bwahaha Oh yeah, all this humor and nary a shot of tequila has been consumed.
Next on the list is the BLO AND GO. Yeah, I totally went there, too. Sorry, guys, this is a thing-a-ma-jig you put on the bathroom wall for hands free blowing … wait a minute! HAIR DRYING, you silly, cheeky monkeys. Once again I must inform you that a youtube video isn’t available for instant viewing. But I can assure you that a REAL HOLLYWOOD hair stylist gives his testimonial to the terrifantastical quality of the Blo and Go. Now that I take a gander at the apparatus without the hair dryer attached … Never mind. Onward.haha I don’t know if this product is useless or not, but I love the facial expression of the woman noshing on the hard plastic packaging of the coil light bulb.
OK, this next one is so freakin’ asinine that it ALMOST leaves me speechless. But you know me by now. I’ll find the words. I introduce to you, the SPIN GYM. Really? really. REAAAAAALLY! Pick up a damn $3.00 dumbell like a normal person. Stop it with all the foolish inventions. do a push up off the wall and you achieve real results. GACK! Argh. Another thing is,ladies, how many of you are going to break into using this stupid gyroscope-ish thing while waiting in line at the bank? Toss this one into the corner with that Shake Weight.
Category asshattery, bawdy little monkey, frivolity, I hate shopping, I'm so mean, money wise, what bunk | Tags: | No Comments
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Fresh and Clean
December 7, 2011 by Marissa
Remember the other day when I posted about Charmin toilet paper? I made a crack *tee hee* about them wiping up the competition with their advertising geared toward people who get toilet paper balls *hehe* stuck to their butts and whatnots. Well, Quilted Northern one upped them by directing their product at women who just want to feel clean. Might I suggest installing a bidet? Ease up on the fiber?
My father gave me advice a bazillion years ago about never skimping on certain items at the grocery store. Go cheap on napkins, flour, jelly, but never, ever under any circumstances go generic on toilet paper because, “Nothing is worse than having a poke-through …” Dad was a colorful and wise man.
Category asshattery, bawdy little monkey, freaky shit, I'm so mean, Rissues, toss your cookies | Tags: | No Comments
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The Breakfast of Champions
December 4, 2011 by Marissa
Take a gander at this photo. At first, I considered cropping it so it would fit better on the page. All that extra dead space seemed a waste. Then, I realized the importance of the time stamp.
While at the laundorama minding my own dirty laundry, I spied with my little eye … a mom feeding her toddler neon orange Cheetos and Sprite. Again, notice the time stamp. That is AM, by the way.
Here’s a close view of the child’s morning feast.
Hold up! She has a bottle, Sprite and Cheetos. Surely exactly what a growing girl needs. My judgmental ire came out and I was all ready to point fingers and blather on and on about how this is child abuse — some of you may jump on that. Then, I started thinking about how it isn’t my place to cast disparaging remarks on this woman. For all I know, this mom and daughter had been up for hours and 9 o’clock in the morning is lunch time. Who the hell knows. I didn’t ask. Lord knows some of the things I’ve done as a parent has probably left people’s jaws on the floor.
Before you read the next part, let it be known we make real efforts to eat healthier food with only an occasional dip in the “I can’t believe we’re eating this crap” food category.
Parental Confession: As a parent of a once finicky eater, I admit to feeding my son whatever it was he would eat regardless of the time of day. His primary school years were tricky. As a toddler, Mancub HATED milk but loved cheese. Now he goes through about 4–5 gallons of the moo-juice per week. As I was saying, the boy was once quite picky. His food choices were based on fixations. He went through a spaghetti phase. Then, there was the tuna salad without bread … just a fork and tuna salad in a bowl while enjoying the Arthur the Aardvark on PBS. In the morning. Desperate attempts to ensure my kidlette was nourished. After all, we’d periodically have breakfast for dinner because all we had in the fridge were veggies and eggs. Hellooooo omelet! And, here is where you can all throw your nutrition books at me and call me a foolish mom … Mancub has eaten Ramen noodles for breakfast. Merely feeding those to him AT ALL may get your feathers ruffled. As I said, it was often a struggle to get him to eat anything before going off to school.
Back to the photo. It’s not so much that Cheetos are not a breakfast food. Technically, I don’t think they can be considered food at all … but I digress. What point am I trying to make here? Oh yeah, parenting isn’t easy and feeding your kids is often a real battle between what you know is best for them and what they will eat. You know the darling’s tummy is rumbling. So, what do you do? Ideally, feed them at home. Preferably a nutritious meal. However, if you’re in a jam for whatever reason … and kiddo is whining … you give them anything to prevent a total melt down. At least she wasn’t eating M&Ms (also available in the vending machine) and washing them down with Sprite.
Category America the Beautiful, asshattery, Dirty Laundry, I'm so mean, laundry days, Rissues, Stupid girl, That's Life, That's Scary, toss your cookies | Tags: | No Comments
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Things I cannot understand
October 22, 2011 by Marissa
My last post focused on an experience at the laundromat. The rare occasion that I find myself alone, I turned to the crane machine and won a prize. Boo. Yah.
There is usually a point when someone dashes in and out staying only long enough to throw clothes in the washer. Apparently, it is just too boring for them to sit and wait the 26 minutes it takes for the load to slosh about in the wash drum. After all, not every one can amuse themselves with a Baby Popeye dressed in a Halloween pumpkin costume.
This last time and the time before it, I encountered two women who seemed confused about proper attire. I mean, if everyone accepted what is proper we wouldn’t have sites like People of WalMart. If you click that link, plan on being sucked in for a great amount of time. Who needs the side shows at the circus when a Wal-Mart is available to all.
OK, back to the subject at hand. Can you tell I’m writing without having a full dose of caffeine??
It has become my suspicion thanks to the charming patrons of the laundromat I use that bedding is only to be laundered whilst donning pajamas.
See exhibit A and B
Accept my apology for the second photo being a bit fuzzy and overexposed. Being stealthy isn’t my strong suit. Instead of slippers like the woman in the first photo, this pajama bottom wearing goddess of the triple load is sporting flip flops. For what it is worth, it was a mere 58 degrees that day. The pattern on the pjs was flowers. Charming, no?
Many years ago it bothered my father when it became acceptable for women and men alike to wear sweat pants anywhere but the gym. Guys seemed to believe going commando was the way to go when wearing their Jamz or sweats. Women couldn’t accept that they were the next size up. That annoyed Dad beyond belief. Then, the invention of Lycra stretch pants arrived. OY! I distinctly recall hearing him say, “Just because it stretches to fit doesn’t mean they should wear it.” With the comfort and ease of properly fitting yoga pants, I am guilty of wearing them to the laundromat or grocery store. It does cross my mind that I might very well find myself on the front page of People of Wal-Mart or some Glamour Don’t page. If Dad was alive today, I wonder how he’d feel about chunky girls sporting low rise, butt crack revealing, muffin top inducing jeans. That’s for an entirely different post. And believe me, if my skills of snapping photos on the sly increases, I WILL share.
Oh, it’s necessary for me to say that I am grateful both women were fully covered. On the opposite end of the spectrum are the women who let far too much hang out. Skirts that are a mere centimeter below the womanly parts are just … ugh. And the shorty shorts that creep up and cause the wearer to yank on them as they walk… ugh & argh!!
Do I have photographic evidence of what I speak of? Naturally!
Those delightful creatures were emerging from the local Halloween store. They seemed confused as to wear they parked their car in the parking lot holding about eight vehicles … or they were hoping for a ride. Of some sort.
So, are you like my dad and me? Does it bother you when people wear pajamas in public? How about slippers, too?
ps. Moms who jump in the car to drop the kids in the carpool lane are exempt from any finger pointing. But isn’t it typical that for some unforeseen reason you must get out of the car and dash into the school when you’re still wearing your I <3 chocolate pj bottoms?
Category I'm so mean, photo shop, Rissues, That's Scary, toss your cookies, what bunk | Tags: | 4 Comments
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Watching the world go by
August 20, 2011 by Marissa
Whilst on my way to work today … just doot doot dooting along … it dawned on me that I hadn’t checked text messages on my phone. When I looked quickly, there was, indeed, a message from my general manager informing me that the mall was partially without power and our store was included in the outage. Oh joy! ComEd was working on it but had no idea where the issue occurred or when they would be able to remedy the situation.
Oy to the vey!
With customers likely to be arriving, I had to wo-man the gate to let them know that it wasn’t a store issue but a mall/ComEd issue. With good fortune, GM was able to access our appointment book to reschedule for later in the week. Hoo-ray! Still, there are walk-ins etc… Our sister brand GM was kind enough to let us occupy one of their doctor lanes to get our patients who were not reached to still get their eye exams, etc… I love it when cooperation makes for an easier transition.
The doctor side of the misfortune was taken care of, but without power your’s truly cannot produce quality eyewear. With the company credit card in hand, I went
shopping for necessary supplies. Oh what JOY to be at Wal-Mart on a Saturday midday. With a rumbling in my tummy, I stopped by Subway (with my own cash, mind you) for lunch and took it back to the mall so I’d be closer to the action if the power was revived. The action was not in the store, but in the food court people watching.Oh dear Lord! When you are really bored and your eyes are wide open there is a cornucopia of freak show to gaze upon.
Here are some of the observations made in the one hour period that I sat in amazement and wonder:
- Poodle perms are alive and well the Kankakee area. They are often accentuated by dramatically curled under blunt cut bangs. You know the style. It appears that the roller is still in the hair.
- Children of food court proprietors are gymnasts. Their specialty? Using the back of an iron bench in lieu of a balance beam. Oopsy daisy! It sure hurts when you slip and fall, doesn’t it? Thank goodness the fountains had been filled in with plants long ago. They might have practice synchronized swimming or water ballet.
- Today’s videos/music sucks ass. Autotune is the devil as demonstrated by some dreadful performance on the big screens by T-Pain ft. Chris Brown. The singing is so muddled by the autotune (high pitch and throughout) that I couldn’t figure out one syllable. The saving grace was WEAPON OF CHOICE coming on and seeing Christopher Walken dancing about.
- Along the video tunage thought: Some goon named Jason Derulo aurally defecates upon Harry Belaphonte’s “Banana Boat Song” in his shit-tastic, heavily sampled song entitled “Don’t Want To Go Home.” Jason, I want you to go far, far away.
- Middle aged men with giant pot bellies can’t come to terms with the fact that their favorite KISS tshirt doesn’t come in the XXXL size required to suit their guts.
- Many of today’s teen age girls don’t stride or walk. The tip side to side in a forward motion. It’s nearly penguin-esque. It’s a curious sight.
- Yes, Lycra stretches. Testing it’s strength is also a common occurrence. ::shudder::
- Facial hair on most men looks horrific. Grooming the chin nest isn’t fixed by spraying Axe body spray. Maybe the Old Spice guy should touch on that in his next ad.
- Shorts are for very few people. Young girls who are fixated on the size tag should be more concerned with the amount of short material inching upward into their birth and or anal canal. When one must stop every 5 or 6 steps to remove the short from the booty, it’s time to admit that you need a bigger size or just skip the shorty shorts altogether. My vote is on the latter.
There you have it. My hour of mall food court observations. I wish I could make a living people watching.
Category America the Beautiful, bawdy little monkey, freaky shit, I'm so mean, Insane in the membrane, Rissues, That's Scary, toss your cookies, Uncategorized | Tags: | No Comments
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“I want to be alone…”
May 1, 2011 by Marissa
In her husky accent Greta Garbo declared, “I want to be alone.” After extensive (Wikipedia) research because I had always heard she was misquoted, I found this quote which best sums up how I feel when it comes to my time away from work.
“I never said, ‘I want to be alone.’ I only said, ‘I want to be let alone.’ There is all the difference.
“You cannot have a vacation without peace and you cannot have peace unless left alone.“
I put in my time 100% at ye olde grind. My pay comes hourly and not salary. Even if I was paid salary that doesn’t take away from the fact that time at home with my son or whomever else I choose to dally is my own. It’s not as if my role is so vital that my decisions will make or break a multi-billion dollar deal. I don’t need to be needed 24/7 to be assured that I’m appreciated in the work place. I trust that those who are on the clock will make decisions in the moment to get through the day. In the moment choices have to be made whether or not they are what I would have done in the same circumstance. Hundreds of skilled people are just a phone call away. People who are, at that point in time, being paid for their consult.
I’m venting. Yes, that is what it is and now I can move on with my day off. What people don’t understand about me is that it takes tremendous effort for me to relax. Emptying my mind requires just as much effort mentally as rock climbing requires physically.
When I awaken in the middle of the night because I had 24 ounces of water forty five minutes before bedtime, going back to sleep is arduous. My mind clicks on to what I need to accomplish in the day; what conversations need to be had.
It is irritating to an infinite degree.
With that in mind, yesterday’s glorious sunshine and silly girl literature helped take me away like the Calgon bath of the ‘70s.
After a spell outdoors, I came back in to get my ear buds so I could further tune out the world. My son, who apparently knows me and my situation very well, asked, “are you able to relax? Is work leaving you alone now?” He’d heard me on the phone earlier. He knew by my expression that I had not escaped duty. It wasn’t anything imperative. Surely with a little patience the question would have answered itself.
I enjoy company. On my terms. Do I want to be alone?
No, just leave me alone … unless you’re bringing a cheeky movie and margaritas.
Category All about me, coworkers, For The Greater Good, I'm so mean, Insane in the membrane, phone calls, random blathering, silence is golden, take a look at me now, That's Life, what bunk, What's Inside Marissa's Head, work | Tags: | No Comments
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Christina Aguilera botches National Anthem
February 6, 2011 by Marissa
OH wait! That’s an SNL parody. Sorry. Here’s Christina Aguilera singing the National Anthem at the 2011 Super Bowl OH wow! It’s so hard to tell the difference. Way to go, Xtina. You really knocked it out of the park. Hell of a way to make us proud. I know it’s a new tune and few know the lyrics.
PS. You sounded like you were taking a dump while you took a dump on America’s National Anthem.
Category America the Beautiful, I'm so mean, Music has the answer, what bunk | Tags: | 1 Comment









