January 14, 2012 by Marissa
George Bernard Shaw once said, “We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”
I took that to heart with the first snowfall of 2012. A friend asked me to make a snow angel since he is without snow where he lives. A promise made is a promise kept!
Category Angels on My Side, funny, Just goofing off, take a look at me now | Tags: | No Comments
October 18, 2011 by Marissa
Most of the time when I go to the laundromat it is the people who are also there washing and drying who keep me amused. Once in awhile I am alone and left to my own devices. Amusement of the Android/Facebook/Texting/Web Surfing variety typically keeps me from losing my mind. However, on this very day the urge to try my hand at the crane game situated in the back of the facility beckoned.
It’s not a common occurrence for me to participate in throwing away my laundry change on such frivolity. Oh sure, the local dollar store often lends a hand at me throwing away chump change, but electronic devices without a guaranteed outcome? Heck no! Until today.
Anywho, with a little spying to find the least wedged in item — c’mon there is a skill/art to this — ‘ching ching’ drop in two quarters, grab the directional handle and ‘drop-grab with the claw!! Shazam! Drop it into the chute and this adorable Popeye Pumpkin costumed baby was mine.
And then, while my loads rinsed and spun, I found delight in snapping a few photos of my prize in various poses and predicaments.
Category blog fun, frivolity, funny, Insane in the membrane, photo shop | Tags: | No Comments
September 29, 2011 by Marissa
It’s that time of year when all the wonderful new “as seen on TV” products come out in droves. For a couple of years the SNUGGIE was the IT product. Then, the Jeggings/Pajama Jeans. I can’t turn on the TV without seeing the AHHH Bra brought to you by the former hostess of UP ALL NIGHT on USA, Rhonda Shear.
This morning, while enjoying reruns of WILL AND GRACE and desperately trying to find someone to cover my shift at work (pounding headache that induces nausea), the commercial for FOREVER LAZY kind of almost induced vomiting with this line, “uh oh, gotta go? Forever Lazy has zippered hatches in front and back for great escapes when duty (doody) calls.”
You won’t be hard pressed to find the parody videos for this product on youtube. It is begging to take a beating.
This will, however, complete my sadly single with 37 cats ensemble.
Category freaky shit, frivolity, funny, I'm lazy, Insane in the membrane, yawn and stretch | Tags: | No Comments
May 8, 2011 by Marissa
I knew when I embarked on a weekly thing that it wouldn’t last. Ten Things Thursday is just a faint memory. However, I am resurrecting it today. It lacks alliteration. Get over it.
Today ten things I learned from my mom will be shared. Are you ready? For dramatic effect we’ll count it down a la Letterman.
10. Moisturize My darling mother had very dry skin and she would slather on Second Debut from her cleavage on up to her hair line and around the neck. Do they even make that stuff anymore? Even during the acne years moisturizer was applied.
9. Don’t share negative things about your spouse Her reasoning for this is that while the incident may be forgiven and forgotten by us, she may not have that ability. So, share wisely. I need to heed this advice a lot more regarding relationships in general.
8. Don’t be quick to judge Mom didn’t hold things against people. She had a variety of friends and didn’t judge them for their past or hearsay.
7. Sing We were all encouraged to make music of some form. Early in life we watched musicals on TV as a family and participated in such productions in school. My introduction into musical theater was being cast in the role of Dew Fairy in Hansel and Gretel in third grade. I haven’t stopped singing since … don’t try to make me stop.
6. Show compassion We never know what a person is experiencing even if a smile is plastered across their face 24/7. Sometimes my patience wears thin and I slap myself for not being more considerate. Sometimes.
5. A spotless house is not always a good sign We had a pot holder hanging on our kitchen wall that read “Our home is clean enough to be healthy; Dirty enough to be happy.” If you come to my house and become offended by the dust , tough nuggets. Be happy I let you in to begin with *ha* No, seriously.
4. Shoes are a girl’s best friend This is not something that is startling to most women who may be reading this. Mom always had plenty of shoes … always purchased at clearance prices. Shoes always fit even if you pack on an extra 20 pounds.
3. Leave a little money in a purse I cannot tell you how often this practice has helped get me over the hump until payday. Granted, it’s more likely I’ll find money in a jacket pocket since I don’t change purses quite like Mom did.
2. Poop everyday Mom did not. This lack of excreting gave her great distress. An improper diet didn’t help. However, it was her answer to nearly every physical ailment. “Mom, I have a headache.…” Her reply would be, “Did you poop today?” “Mom, I feel tired and drained.” Again, she would ask if I pooped yet. Her theory is that all that waste build up would lead to ailments beyond a tummy ache. She was right.
1. Always say I Love You Mom expressed her love unconditionally and without question. It may not have always been necessary to hear it but her philosophy was that you never know if there will be a next time. So, she taught us not to fear sharing how we felt in words not just actions. She was right. Win/win.
BONUS: Something not intentionally left off the list was HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR!! Mom had the best laugh. The more she’d try to stop the harder it was. She’d wind down and it would lead to another fit of giggles. She had a keen sense of humor and way of viewing the world and situations. I think she passed that on to me and my sibs. Another thing passed on to us kids is the trademark laugh. It has been said that when I laugh I sound like a couple of turkeys making whoopie.
Category Angels on My Side, bawdy little monkey, cool like that, funny, I get by with a little help, Insane in the membrane, Love You Forever, Mama Said, mother, Uncategorized | Tags: | No Comments
February 20, 2011 by Marissa
“Laughter is the best medicine.”
If that is the case then I overdosed last night. This morning my stomach has residual pain from laughing harder than I have in eons. I wasn’t alone in my uproarious fits, either. An entire auditorium of people, including my 16 year old son, were laughing with me as we attended Kankakee Valley Theater Association’s production of “The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee.” Under the direction of Tyler McMahon, the cast of nine spell their way into song, dance and comedy unlike any other production I have ever seen. That includes professional theater.
From the second the orchestra conductor walked out to let the audience know the ‘gymatorium’ rules I was giggling and snorting.
The cast and crew seamlessly adlibbed their way through a set blunder and other unexpected circumstances. Had I not been told after the show ended how it was supposed to have played out I never would have known it wasn’t part of the show. To be unable to detect improvisation from rehearsed lines is a testament to the actors’ skill.
If you’re in the Kankakee area or within driving distance, I implore you to treat yourself to attending the spelling bee. You won’t be sorry. Plus, you may learn a few things about word origins and yourself.
The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
Music and Lyrics by William Finn
Book by Rachel Sheinkin
…Kankakee Junior High School
Saturday, February 19th, 7:00 pm
Sunday, February 20th, 2:00 pm
Saturday, February 26th, 7:00 pm
Sunday, February 27th, 2:00 pm
Ticket Prices:
Adults: $15
Senior/Youth: $12
Download Ticket Order Form
Tickets may be ordered at any time by MAIL to:
Kankakee Valley Theatre Association
P.O. Box 744
Kankakee, IL 60901
Two weeks prior to a production, tickets may be ordered by PHONE:
815–935-8510
NEW BOX OFFICE HOURS
Monday – Friday
5:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m.
Spell it W-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l!
The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee rocks the world with a funny yet touching rendition of the ever loved memories of a “spelling bee.” We find 6 students in a spell off. A sweet, shy girl who’s finds solace in words, last year’s winner who is growing in more ways than one, a precocious young lady with a father that would stop at nothing to make her the champ, an over achiever who twirls a baton, does the splits, plays the piano and speaks six languages, a quivering mass of a boy who writes out the words with his foot and a perpetual second runner up. They may be able to spell words like capybara, and pyrrhuloxia but that doesn’t even even begin to spell their insecurities.
The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee Cast List
William Barfee .… .… .… .… .… .… .…Nico Garcia
Olive Ostrovsky .… .… .… .… .… .… … Stacie Knefelkamp
Leaf Coneybear .… .… .… .… .… .… … Louis Wood
Marcy Park .… .… .… .… .… .… .… . . Aubrey LaLuna
Chip Tolentino .… .… .… .… .… .… .… Josh Hedding
Logainne Schwartzandgrubenierre .… .… .… . . Cassandra Hustedt
Rona Lisa Peretti .… .… .… .… .… .… . . Maria Barwegen
Douglas Panch .… .… .… .… .… .… .… David Fuller
Mitch Mahoney .… .… .… .… .… .… .… Earl Kroll
The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee Staff
Director .… .… .… .… .… .… .… .… Tyler McMahon
Asst. Director .… .… .… .… .… .… .… Malcom Jones
Vocal Director .… .… .… .… .… .… .… Stacey Ray
Costumer .… .… .… .… .… .… .… … Bonnie Brewer
Production Coordinator .… .… .… .… .… . Paula Sutter
Rehearsal Pianist .… .… .… .… .… .… . Pat Nolan
Conductor .… .… .… .… .… .… .… . . Jeanne Benson
Stage Manager/Props .… .… .… .… .… . . Pat Ward
Set Decoration .… .… .… .… .… .… … Donna Worth
Hair/Make-Up .… .… .… .… .… .… .… Rozy Labriola
Category funny, Insane in the membrane, Music has the answer, theater | Tags: | No Comments
October 26, 2009 by Marissa
This was originally written 2 years ago before this blog was up and running. I sat at the computer with nothing more than a photo of the costume I wish I could wear on Halloween. The rest, as they say, is fiction … or was it?
So, I had been perusing Halloween costumes online. They always show these very thin women dressed in the sexy outfits. Some ads will say “Plus Sizes Available.” Oh groovy! However, they don’t often show what a pleasantly plump, fully bosomed woman looks like in said ‘plus size’ costume.
It’s a harsh reality when you take the “bar wench” costume from it’s hermetically sealed plastic wrap. You attempt to work out the creases and folds from the acrylic fabric in a steamy shower. You use all the hot water trying to fill the bathroom with enough steam to iron it out. To no avail you’re left with, at best, a slightly damp wrinkled garment.
While donning your flesh tone 18-hour bra and granny panties, you slip into your fantasy wench attire. The capped puff sleeve goes up on one shoulder, then the other. You look down to find your 18-hour bra doesn’t want to be discreet. You attempt to pull the top to cover the bra. In doing so, the lace-up bodice slides upward to the center of your ample bust. You’re feeling more than plus-size. You think Omar the Tent maker might be getting a call.
You strip and go in search of that horrific yet slut-a-rific get up you bought in hopes of wearing it one day to turn on your man. However, the man never came along and it was too much sweat and tears to get it on. This modern day version of medievil torture looks far too complicated. The hook n’ eyes on the BACK of the bustier/girdle/torture device mock you. You think to yourself that you once conquered those second skin Levi’s that were too small.
You realize that you’re not as limber as you once were. So, stretching is in order. Afterall, you have to manage to get your arms behind your back. The art of dislocation isn’t your strong suit. Therefore, you seek out that yoga DVD that’s only gathered dust since you bought it from that annoying, yet convincing skinny bitch who swears (at 3 am on a paid programming ad) you’d lose weight in the first week. You skip putting on the special yoga outfit. Your 18-hour bra and granny panties will suffice.
Sweating and feeling worse than you did before the DVD, you head to the shower. However, there is no hot water because you wasted it all on trying to get that bar wench costume steamed out. So, you just towel off and head back to the torture chamber where the bustier and her friend, the mighty girdle, await you.
With a lot of wriggling and bouncing you manage to get the girdle pulled up over your butt. In the meantime, you’ve knocked every knicknack off the dresser from bouncing. You stop for a moment and rest on the bed’s edge. You look down to find that this girdle is clearly forcing your internal organs to jut upwards and spill over the top of the girdle. You find solace in knowing the bustier will give you an over all smoothness.
Standing up you face the hook n’ eye challenge. Sucking in your organs, you manage the first couple hooks. You feel behind you to make sure it’s not cock-eyed. Awesome! You’re on a roll. Now, only 20 more to go. On hook 8 You need a breather and water. The heavy panting has left you breathless and parched. With both breasts waving to and fro you head downstairs to the kitchen. You realize the curtains are open so you drop to your knees and crawl like you’re in Army boot camp. At the refrigerator you find a bottle of water, but don’t stand up in fear that the neighbor could be out there. Leaning against the wall you drink your water and pray your efforts will be worth the pain.
Shimmying back upstairs you face the enemy. Five hooks down. However, the blood has left your arms and shoulders and you feel a tingle. You wonder if this is a stroke. You shake it off and continue. Alas the final hook is hooked, but your boobs are still dawdling above the cups. You adjust and cram them where they are supposed to reside. You look in the full mirror hoping to admire the fruits of your labor only to realize your back fat is now fully pushed to the brim of the bustier and you have a lovely Quasimoto hump working back there.…and you have to pee thanks to the bottle of water you chugged an hour before.
Downstairs you go. Completely not caring about the neighbors seeing you in this get up. If they dare to peer into your windows they deserve to be frightened! You wiggled and squirm trying to get the girdle down far enough so you can go to the bathroom. Relief! You do your business and get the girdle back up. You figure you might as well put on the super support queen size pantihose before you put on the fishnet stockings that were supplied with the costume. Another triumph and lots of sweat! You chuck the fishnets because they aren’t intended for anyone over 5’0″ and the crotch hits you about mid-thigh.
At last! You get the costume on and you get a call that your friends will pick you up at 7pm… TOMORROW NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! You tell them to forget it! You’re certain you’ll be in traction and unable to attend.
Category 99 names for boobs, closeted vixen, funny, I cuss like a sailor, Rissues | Tags: | 7 Comments
May 16, 2009 by Marissa
Hey! Wow! It’s been nearly a week since I sat down to write something. Man!I suck donkey hooves.
After such an amazing Mother’s Day you’d think I’d be walking on cloud 9, but alas, I slipped into a state of malaise. I couldn’t put my finger on why I’d feel so sad.
The weather has been less than agreeable. Springtime in the Midwest is often a dreary state. We get so much rain. Nothing says welcome to summer like feeding the mosquito nests with lots and lots of stagnate water. Seriously, the ducks and geese are calling the fields near my house home. They are confused and will soon learn that the mass quantities of water are NOT newly formed ponds.
I had intentions of attending my niece Elyssa’s college graduation ceremony today. As I said, I’ve been under the weather and stricken with a case of the blues. Physically I felt drained and my body ached. It felt as if I had 10 pound weights strapped to my ankles.
Last night I turned to Theraflu as I just couldn’t take the sensation that I’d been run over by a Mack truck any longer. Retiring early to my bedroom with my hot cup of over the counter meds, I thought the morning would bring pep in my step upon awakening. I zoned out while watching my current TV addiction: Forensic Files. I can’t get enough of that show. Ever since Grissom (William Peterson) left CSI: Vegas, well … I’m having a hard time adapting.
Anyway, I was wrong about Theraflu’s effect would have on me this morning. I feel worse. What’s more devastating is that I’m missing my niece graduate from the nursing program. She’s amazing. I had the honor of seeing her in action when our Uncle Chuck was hospitalized. She’s a new mommy and still managed to complete her degree, fill shifts at the hospital and care of her baby Bella. She’s an astounding, vivacious young woman.
Prior to giving in to the need for medicinal relief, I looked up unexplained feelings of sadness. I’m one of those people who needs answers. Without any specific cause or circumstances making me feel overwhelmed emotionally, a reason needed to be discovered. It seemed evident without needing to Google it. I was getting sick, but it didn’t hit me until it literally hit me. I don’t seem to have a fever, but even the tops of my feet ache. My hair follicles feel as if they are straining to support my strands of hair. The bridge of my spectacles feels more like an anvil residing on my nose. I’d go back to bed, but laying in any position makes me hurt more.
In an effort to amuse myself and try to forget how icky I feel, I turned to Google once more. This time, I went in search of glamour shots. Now, I take some pretty awful photos. I do pose and turn and if I’m lucky one out of one hundred will be to my liking. However, that knowledge about myself doesn’t make me laugh any less at people trying to bring out their inner-sexy-beast. I don’t blame the subjects. I point fingers at the photographers who clearly have a sadistic sense of humour. People fork over a ton of moolah for ridiculous poses adorned with furs, metallic wraps, feathers and air brushing that puts Playboy to shame.
Is that her hand or that of another in an attempt to choke the sense back into her? Is she giving the photographer the finger?And how about those earrings?
Hey, Grandma! I like how the blue feathers bring out the deep redness in the rims of your eyes.
I have a Bedazzler and I’m not afraid to use it. The look on her face says “I will kill you in your sleep” more than it says “come hither.“
Yes, when I’m sick I am a mean sort. I get testy and hateful. My intent is to amuse without malice toward the unsuspecting subjects in the above glamour photos. I’m certain they are all lovely creatures who needed to feel like a Hollywood Diva for a day … but their high hopes bring me high-larity.
Category blog fun, funny, I'm so mean | Tags: | 3 Comments
November 25, 2008 by Marissa
I was checking out the vids on youtube because I was avoiding kitchen duty. The chili I made in the crock pot and consumed is settling heavily in my gut. Perhaps it was the second piece of corn bread. No matter, I have no desire to move.
While on the most popular video uploading site known to man (perhaps just me), I thought I’d find inspiration for a Thanksgiving post. My initial consideration was to share a pictorial montage set to the tune “Over the River and Through the Woods …” You know the old standard song. No one knows the words beyond the introduction. The rest is just hummed or, in my case, made up to suit the mood.
With consideration to the knowledge that I am, by no means, a standard kind of girl, I thought of this little catchy song:
Now, before you go screwing up your face and say, “Marissa, what the hell does that song have to do with giving thanks? You screwball woman!” Let me explain. Man-cub and I are compadres. We travel together often. And in those times it’s usually just the two of us. I had a coworker who downloaded a bunch of kooky tunes for me and “Driving Down Highway 40″ happened to be on that compilation CD. Mancub was a mere 6 years old when I unleashed the sublime qualities of Brak. Oh, we’d seen Space Ghost Coast to Coast. But never had we heard that catchy sing-a-long … and boy do we sing along.
We no longer need the accompaniment of the CD. Man-cub is well versed in all the verses. He has the voice characterizations down to a science. It’s magical.
Without fail, when we’re driving down highway 80, we break out into song. Yes, this song. It’s our tradition. On Thanksgiving we’ll be making our way to grandmother’s house. There’s no river or wood or snow to drive our front wheel drive sleigh through.
We don’t have a big ol’ pick up truck, but there’s no doubt we’ll be singing this at the top of our lungs until we’re in a fit of laughter. It’s a never fail remedy to the highway doldrums.
Category funny, music | Tags: | 2 Comments
November 11, 2008 by Marissa
Today was a very dreary, cold day in Kankakee, Illinois. When I walked to the garage sleet was pelting me in the face. Thank God for my smelly mousse application. It made my hair poofy enough that my skull wasn’t damaged by the ice particles falling.
For a reason totally unknown to me *coughplurkingcough* I was late to work by twelve minutes. I’m usually Jenny on the Spot when it comes to getting to work. I was so surprised by my own tardiness that I exclaimed, “whoa! I’m really late!” To which my co-worker nodded and said, “Yeah. You really are.” I felt scolded. But not to worry. She didn’t care and due to it being Veterans Day, a trip to the bank wasn’t required.
Many customers were waiting outside the gate like the zombies in Dawn of Dead. It’s a nightmarish sight for us. It’s especially frustrating when they over exaggerate the motion of looking at their watches. Our clocks are computerized and we go by that time, grandpa.
With the onslaught of customers comes glasses needing to be made in about an hour. I was the only tech in the lab. So, I was on my A-game but really feeling less than humored. A holiday, people. Home office sends out a big honkin’ memo stating MAKE SURE YOU STAFF UP FOR VETERANS DAY. Unhuh. I guess I’m staff enough.
It was when I heard the local radio station’s news report that everything took a turn for the giggly. Typically, news of car accidents and DUI arrests don’t amuse me. Hearing “Taps” being played while they reported about the local Veteran’s Day celebration made my stomach churn. Having experienced a military funeral this summer, it was almost more than I could stand this morning.
I felt as dreary as the weather. That is, until the newscaster told this story: A young man, aged 28, was arrested for suspected drug possession. It was discovered that he had a previous drug charge. During a search, they found crack in his pants.
Bonus Tickle: HONEYBAKED HAM’S radio ad catch phrase: “It’s a shame you have to swallow”
Category deep thoughts with Miss Riss, frivolity, funny, random blathering | Tags: | 6 Comments
June 15, 2008 by Marissa
Category family, frivolity, funny | Tags: | 3 Comments
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