1. My Hollywood Startlet Discord

   January 24, 2012 by Marissa

   I make no apolo­gies for my opin­ions and how cer­tain peo­ple grate on my nerves. I’m sure the feel­ing would be mutual given the oppor­tu­nity. And that makes me happy.

   Category All about me, asshattery, bawdy little monkey, I'm so mean, random blathering, video blogging | Tags: | 2 Comments

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2. Only the Lonely. The deeply, desperately lonely

   January 6, 2012 by Marissa

   I live alone and haven’t had a date in over 3.5. years. It’s been since 2001 that I had a seri­ous boyfriend. But never in a mil­lion years would I pur­chase the lonely girl’s BOYFRIEND PILLOW!

   

   Guys, don’t you DARE feel left out. You no longer have to use your pil­low for … errr … make out prac­tice. Appar­ently, this com­pany is an equal oppor­tu­nity loserville enthusiast.

   

   For cry­ing out loud! Who is this dude’s girl­friend? Flo­rence Hen­der­son? Mrs. Par­tridge? Sheesh. Finally, those ‘70s sit­com Mom fan­tasies can be fulfilled.

   Is this guy really look­ing lov­ingly at the foam boobs?

   Category All You Need Is Love, asshattery, freaky shit, hot-cha-cha, Insane in the membrane, That's Scary | Tags: | 2 Comments

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3. All I Want For Christmas

   December 21, 2011 by Marissa

   

   There is a price you pay when awak­en­ing at 4:30 AM on your day off. While wait­ing for the pot of cof­fee to brew, I sat down and turned on the telly. I had a choice between home shop­ping chan­nels, informer­cials or “Mar­ried …With Children.”

   First, let me just say the titles for the informer­cials are often mis­lead­ing. For instance, one says, “Bet­ter Sex.” I don’t really con­cern myself with that since I have NO sex, but that is not what I’m ask­ing Santa to bring me. Any­way, it is really a com­mer­cial for some ab belt that elec­trofies your abdom­i­nal area. Auto-active abdom­i­nal train­ing. No crunches! Great! But that’s not going to solve the smooshi­ness on the rest of your body. It wasn’t about sex at all!

   I opted to watch Al Bundy and his delight­fully fool­ish fam­ily. That didn’t help me escape com­mer­cials for goofy prod­ucts. A few months ago I shared the For­ever Lazy prod­uct with you. It is basi­cally a grown up footie pajama com­plete with escape hatches for the front and back. Easy access for when “nature calls.”

   Now, there is a com­pany ded­i­cated to send­ing the gift of paja­mas. All right! In another post I lamented over peo­ple wear­ing pjs in pub­lic. This will surely pro­mote not only wear­ing pajama bot­toms, but the head to tow HOODIE footie paja­mas! EGADS!

   This web­site car­ries a lot more than the footie pajama, but this ad par­tic­u­larly tar­gets the female recip­i­ent. Guys, let me give you a bit of advice, if you are at a loss for what to buy your loved one, then you need to spend a smidgen of time get­ting to know her first.

   

   Cute, right? The feet unzip! You can have it embroi­dered to per­son­al­ize it, too. The tail is detach­able, but there isn’t a drop seat for easy … well, good luck not get­ting that cute lit­tle hood with the ears on it in the toi­let. And guys, if you think some lovin’ will ensue once she puts this fuzzy wuzzy get up on, good luck get­ting into it. This is no For­ever Lazy with the EZ escape panels.

   Oh, you think it’ll be more fun if you could have one, too? Fear not. Looky! It’s manly and collegiate.

   

   Noth­ing says ‘come hither’ like a man in a grown up onsie!

   Don’t leave out the kids and pets. If one of you is going to look ridicu­lous, then the entire crew should have to suf­fer. Hey! it’s next year’s Christ­mas card!

   

    

    

    

    

   So, are ready to head over to the Paja­m­a­Gram web­site? Your palms are sweaty with excite­ment, right? Before you grab that credit card, you should know the price of these dar­ling hol­i­day jam­mies. For adults, it’s a mere $79.99. Infants and tod­dlers run $25.99 — $29.99, Kids $39.99! Oh, and let’s not for­get the mew-mew and pup! Those will cost you $19.99. Believe it or not, the XS-Large for pets are out of stock!

   Aren’t you glad you have me to keep you informed on these must-not-miss prod­ucts? Did you catch my 2011 As Seen On TV review? Did you catch my reviews from 2009? How about this one from May of 2009?

   My ques­tion to you is if you’ve ever made late night insom­nia induced crazy infomer­cial or web-surfing pur­chases and regret­ted it? How about a happy end­ing and you are so glad you picked up the phone and took advan­tage of the lim­ited time offers? Please share your story, will you?

   Category asshattery, freaky shit, I hate shopping, I'm so mean, toss your cookies, Uncategorized | Tags: | No Comments

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4. As Seen On TV 2011

   December 8, 2011 by Marissa

   Christ­mas always brings with it an onslaught of crappy ‘as seen on tv’ gifts to give to that per­son you don’t really know well or hate or … well, you just feel like throw­ing away money. When I was a kid K-Tel Records and Ronco ruled the air­waves on the lim­ited num­ber of tele­vi­sion chan­nels avail­able. Who remem­bers the ter­rific con­trap­tion that would turn soda bot­tles and jars into drink­ing glasses? How about the doo-hicky that helped you cre­ate gift bows? or the But­toneer? That thing basi­cally used plas­tic price tag things to attach but­tons to apparel. I just did a Google search on it and you can still pur­chase it. How­ever, it’s updated and more stream­lined. Sorry, I can’t find that bot­tle to drink­ing glass gad­get. Darn. Ooooh, did you have a Bedaz­zler? I did. Worked like a piece of dung! I gave it to my niece … hey! It wasn’t regifting.

   So, this year I went in search of the worst of the worst ideas in my hum­ble opin­ion. We can agree to dis­agree on them. A cou­ple of years ago I bravely reviewed (with­out really try­ing the prod­ucts) a hand­ful of items in a blog post called, What Not To Buy and another As Seen On TV Sat­ur­day Sick­ness. I can’t be 100% sure, but I pick on an exer­cise pro­gram that may or may not be a prod­uct that would even­tu­ally help me lose weight. I can admit when I’m wr … wrrrrrr… wrrroooo.. wrrrrrr … Hey! I hadn’t reviewed the prod­ucts first hand. Get off me.

   Here are the hand­ful of untested prod­ucts. I’m rat­ing them on the idi­otic nature of the infomer­cial. Some­times, no mat­ter how they spin it, it still comes across like a crap­tac­u­lar product.

   First up is the My BOOTY BELT! If you’re like me, you clicked this assum­ing it was an invi­ta­tion for a wild night of boudoir shenani­gans. Wrong! It is a piece of elas­tic with snap on it to help close the gap in your jeans because you have a badonkadonk like Jen­nifer Lopez. Sup­pos­edly, it will pre­vent the rest of the world from view­ing your coin slot. Or, as the case may be for some of us heftier types, the roll of Ben­jamins slot. Oh yeah. Woo!
   Sorry there isn’t a video avail­able for embed­ding on this one. You’ll have to click the link pro­vided to view the com­mer­cial. Per­son­ally, I think it cre­ates a ter­ri­ble look. The extra fab­ric gath­ers and I’m will­ing to bet it will even­tu­ally work its way down and under the thick strip of elas­tic. I don’t need to try it to know it’s a piece of doo-doo. Maybe you could pair it up with the BOOTY POP and go for broke with your big bad mam-a-jamma self at the club. Work it guuuurl.

    

   To keep with the but­tocks theme, I present to you the FANNY FARTING BANK. This booty prod­uct you’re glad has a vis­i­ble coin slot. It’s the gift that adds inter­est to your cof­fee table AND your bank account. *rimshot*… ewww aren’t you glad I didn’t use ‘rim’ in another use? Bwa­haha Oh yeah, all this humor and nary a shot of tequila has been consumed.

   Next on the list is the BLO AND GO. Yeah, I totally went there, too. Sorry, guys, this is a thing-a-ma-jig you put on the bath­room wall for hands free blow­ing … wait a minute! HAIR DRYING, you silly, cheeky mon­keys. Once again I must inform you that a youtube video isn’t avail­able for instant view­ing. But I can assure you that a REAL HOLLYWOOD hair styl­ist gives his tes­ti­mo­nial to the ter­ri­fan­tas­ti­cal qual­ity of the Blo and Go. Now that I take a gan­der at the appa­ra­tus with­out the hair dryer attached … Never mind. Onward.

   

   haha I don’t know if this prod­uct is use­less or not, but I love the facial expres­sion of the woman nosh­ing on the hard plas­tic pack­ag­ing of the coil light bulb.

   OK, this next one is so freakin’ asi­nine that it ALMOST leaves me speech­less. But you know me by now. I’ll find the words. I intro­duce to you, the SPIN GYM. Really? really. REAAAAAALLY! Pick up a damn $3.00 dumb­ell like a nor­mal per­son. Stop it with all the fool­ish inven­tions. do a push up off the wall and you achieve real results. GACK! Argh.  Another thing is,ladies, how many of you are going to break into using this stu­pid gyroscope-ish thing while wait­ing in line at the bank? Toss this one into the cor­ner with that Shake Weight.

   Category asshattery, bawdy little monkey, frivolity, I hate shopping, I'm so mean, money wise, what bunk | Tags: | No Comments

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5. Fresh and Clean

   December 7, 2011 by Marissa

   Remem­ber the other day when I posted about Charmin toi­let paper? I made a crack *tee hee* about them wip­ing up the com­pe­ti­tion with their adver­tis­ing geared toward peo­ple who get toi­let paper balls *hehe* stuck to their butts and what­nots.  Well, Quilted North­ern one upped them by direct­ing their prod­uct at women who just want to feel clean. Might I sug­gest installing a bidet? Ease up on the fiber?

   My father gave me advice a bazil­lion years ago about never skimp­ing on cer­tain items at the gro­cery store. Go cheap on nap­kins, flour, jelly, but never, ever under any cir­cum­stances go generic on toi­let paper because, “Noth­ing is worse than hav­ing a poke-through …” Dad was a col­or­ful and wise man.

    

   Category asshattery, bawdy little monkey, freaky shit, I'm so mean, Rissues, toss your cookies | Tags: | No Comments

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6. Wiping up the competition

   December 5, 2011 by Marissa

   Here I sit let­ting my tuchus get wider as I peruse and amuse (myself) on Twit­ter and Face­book — simul­ta­ne­ously. The tele­vi­sion is on Life­time. Will and Grace reruns. I am being amused thricely!

   Any­who, a com­mer­cial came on for Charmin toi­let tis­sue. It hit me. The mar­ket­ing for the prod­uct relies solely upon it not leav­ing those itty bitty bits of TP on your furry butt. Cute? Gross?

   

   Ain’t so subtle.

   My favorite in the not-so-discreet cat­e­gory is the bush trim­ming razor.

   May­haps if peo­ple with hairy butts used this Schick Quat­tro Trim Style they’d have less toi­let paper build up.

   Category America the Beautiful, asshattery, bawdy little monkey, freaky shit, Insane in the membrane, That's Scary, toss your cookies | Tags: | 2 Comments

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7. The Breakfast of Champions

   December 4, 2011 by Marissa

   Take a gan­der at this photo. At first, I con­sid­ered crop­ping it so it would fit bet­ter on the page. All that extra dead space seemed a waste. Then, I real­ized the impor­tance of the time stamp. 

   

   While at the laun­do­rama mind­ing my own dirty laun­dry, I spied with my lit­tle eye … a mom feed­ing her tod­dler neon orange Chee­tos and Sprite. Again, notice the time stamp. That is AM, by the way.

   Here’s a close view of the child’s morn­ing feast.

   

   Hold up! She has a bot­tle, Sprite and Chee­tos. Surely exactly what a grow­ing girl needs. My judg­men­tal ire came out and I was all ready to point fin­gers and blather on and on about how this is child abuse — some of you may jump on that. Then, I started think­ing about how it isn’t my place to cast dis­parag­ing remarks on this woman. For all I know, this mom and daugh­ter had been up for hours and 9 o’clock in the morn­ing is lunch time. Who the hell knows. I didn’t ask. Lord knows some of the things I’ve done as a par­ent has prob­a­bly left people’s jaws on the floor.

   Before you read the next part, let it be known we make real efforts to eat health­ier food with only an occa­sional dip in the “I can’t believe we’re eat­ing this crap” food category.

   Parental Con­fes­sion: As a par­ent of a once finicky eater, I admit to feed­ing my son what­ever it was he would eat regard­less of the time of day. His pri­mary school years were tricky. As a tod­dler, Man­cub HATED milk but loved cheese. Now he goes through about 4–5 gal­lons of the moo-juice per week. As I was say­ing, the boy was once quite picky. His food choices were based on fix­a­tions. He went through a spaghetti phase. Then, there was the tuna salad with­out bread … just a fork and tuna salad in a bowl while enjoy­ing the Arthur the Aard­vark on PBS. In the morn­ing. Des­per­ate attempts to ensure my kidlette was nour­ished. After all, we’d peri­od­i­cally have break­fast for din­ner because all we had in the fridge were veg­gies and eggs. Hel­looooo omelet! And, here is where you can all throw your nutri­tion books at me and call me a fool­ish mom … Man­cub has eaten Ramen noo­dles for break­fast. Merely feed­ing those to him AT ALL may get your feath­ers ruf­fled. As I said, it was often a strug­gle to get him to eat any­thing before going off to school.

   Back to the photo. It’s not so much that Chee­tos are not a break­fast food. Tech­ni­cally, I don’t think they can be con­sid­ered food at all … but I digress. What point am I try­ing to make here? Oh yeah, par­ent­ing isn’t easy and feed­ing your kids is often a real bat­tle between what you know is best for them and what they will eat. You know the darling’s tummy is rum­bling. So, what do you do? Ide­ally, feed them at home. Prefer­ably a nutri­tious meal. How­ever, if you’re in a jam for what­ever rea­son … and kiddo is whin­ing … you give them any­thing to pre­vent a total melt down. At least she wasn’t eat­ing M&Ms (also avail­able in the vend­ing machine) and wash­ing them down with Sprite.

   Category America the Beautiful, asshattery, Dirty Laundry, I'm so mean, laundry days, Rissues, Stupid girl, That's Life, That's Scary, toss your cookies | Tags: | No Comments

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8. Another Thing I Do Not Understand

   November 3, 2011 by Marissa

   It is said that a pic­ture is worth a thou­sand words… Well, not long ago I shared my feel­ings and con­fu­sion over the onslaught of women wear­ing paja­mas in pub­lic. Add to the list preg­nant women not wear­ing cloth­ing to fit their pro­trud­ing tum­mies and low rise jeans so tight that the slight­est bend or squat leads to ‘coin slot’ aka butt crack expo­sure. What is most mind bog­gling about it is they don’t seem to care!!

   OK, so this is another thing that annoys and con­fuses me:

   

   Category asshattery, Insane in the membrane, Rissues, That's Scary, toss your cookies | Tags: | No Comments

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9. I’m a Housewives Junky!

   October 18, 2011 by Marissa

   I admit it. I get more than my share of real­ity TV weekly. Oh, surely you are sur­prised by that given the intel­lec­tual posts you’ve read thus far. Heh! There is some­thing about the train wreck qual­ity that pulls me in. Yes, I real­ize there are more impor­tant things that could be done with my time. Please, do not judge me. Guilty plea­sures give bal­ance to an oth­er­wise daunt­ing world. If it is any con­so­la­tion to your con­cern about my brain mat­ter ooz­ing from my ears, I have read the works of Jane Austen and take delight in the His­tory Channel.

   The fol­low­ing par­ody was stum­bled upon while search­ing for another Sat­ur­day Night Live clip fea­tur­ing a chant­ing woman … song sim­i­lar to the theme from The Omen (which is cur­rently on AMC for their Fear Fest lead­ing up to Hal­loween). Such music can make any­thing appear fright­en­ing. That was going to be my point in what was meant to be my orig­i­nal post today. I couldn’t find it. Clearly my search skills are lim­ited. How­ever, this just made my day. The women of SNL take on the style of Real House­wives with Bravo’s Andy Cohen. I lurve him!

   Category asshattery, bawdy little monkey, freaky shit, Insane in the membrane, Rissues, toss your cookies | Tags: | 1 Comment

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10. Parting of ways

    August 25, 2011 by Marissa

    Net­flix, it may be time for a divorce. Your new release disc avail­abil­ity has always been a thorn in my side. You made life hell for Block­buster until they col­lapsed, but you won’t pres­sure me into bank­ruptcy. I shouldn’t have had to wait weeks to see The Hang­over. When I say weeks I mean 2 months.

    Soon you’ll take funds from my account. For what? Notice that the newly released film that I want has “a very long wait” and you’ll send me the next selec­tion on my list which ends up being choice #5 which I com­pletely for­got was on my list and is now, prob­a­bly for a lim­ited time, avail­able for stream­ing. That will piss me off even more. Oh sure, I could keep a con­stant watch over my queue and rearrange things, but wouldn’t it be eas­ier if you had greater num­bers of new releases avail­able to the pay­ing public?And quite frankly, I have other things that take prece­dence over being OCD with Net­flix. Enough with the game playing.

    The other thing that cranks my gears is that you’re a tease. One week a movie that I like is avail­able for stream­ing. How­ever, I’m unable to watch it and fig­ure that the fol­low­ing week on my day off will pro­vide prime view­ing time. But guess what? A week later it is no longer there! It’s only avail­able for disc view­ing. Well, a big EFF YOU to you.

    You use to be the really cool kid on the block.  But what you are is a bully and a mean girl.
     

    Category asshattery, bawdy little monkey, Uncategorized | Tags: | No Comments

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