Category Archives: asshattery

Location is everything

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Ear­lier today a very mean and spite­ful friend on Face­book posted pic­tures of the trees in his south­ern Illi­nois town.

We live in the same freakin’ state, but on oppo­site ends. Illi­nois is a lonnnnnng state. This shows how rad­i­cally dif­fer­ent things can be.

lunapic 133156270041700 9 Location is everything

I delib­er­ately made the beau­ti­ful Dog­wood blos­som photo smaller. It’s painful enough as it is. Liv­ing in Geor­gia for 8 years brought spring­time much ear­lier than here in north cen­tral Illi­nois. The aller­gies were well worth the visual beauty of so many trees blossoming.

    Only the Lonely. The deeply, desperately lonely

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    I live alone and haven’t had a date in over 3.5. years. It’s been since 2001 that I had a seri­ous boyfriend. But never in a mil­lion years would I pur­chase the lonely girl’s BOYFRIEND PILLOW!

    a342 fpillow Only the Lonely. The deeply, desperately lonely

    Guys, don’t you DARE feel left out. You no longer have to use your pil­low for … errr … make out prac­tice. Appar­ently, this com­pany is an equal oppor­tu­nity loserville enthusiast.

    pink Only the Lonely. The deeply, desperately lonely

    For cry­ing out loud! Who is this dude’s girl­friend? Flo­rence Hen­der­son? Mrs. Par­tridge? Sheesh. Finally, those ‘70s sit­com Mom fan­tasies can be fulfilled.

    Is this guy really look­ing lov­ingly at the foam boobs? 41oJaUZG8zL. SL500 AA300 Only the Lonely. The deeply, desperately lonely

      All I Want For Christmas

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      There is a price you pay when awak­en­ing at 4:30 AM on your day off. While wait­ing for the pot of cof­fee to brew, I sat down and turned on the telly. I had a choice between home shop­ping chan­nels, informer­cials or “Mar­ried …With Children.”

      First, let me just say the titles for the informer­cials are often mis­lead­ing. For instance, one says, “Bet­ter Sex.” I don’t really con­cern myself with that since I have NO sex, but that is not what I’m ask­ing Santa to bring me. Any­way, it is really a com­mer­cial for some ab belt that elec­trofies your abdom­i­nal area. Auto-active abdom­i­nal train­ing. No crunches! Great! But that’s not going to solve the smooshi­ness on the rest of your body. It wasn’t about sex at all!

      I opted to watch Al Bundy and his delight­fully fool­ish fam­ily. That didn’t help me escape com­mer­cials for goofy prod­ucts. A few months ago I shared the For­ever Lazy prod­uct with you. It is basi­cally a grown up footie pajama com­plete with escape hatches for the front and back. Easy access for when “nature calls.”

      Now, there is a com­pany ded­i­cated to send­ing the gift of paja­mas. All right! In another post I lamented over peo­ple wear­ing pjs in pub­lic. This will surely pro­mote not only wear­ing pajama bot­toms, but the head to tow HOODIE footie paja­mas! EGADS!

      This web­site car­ries a lot more than the footie pajama, but this ad par­tic­u­larly tar­gets the female recip­i­ent. Guys, let me give you a bit of advice, if you are at a loss for what to buy your loved one, then you need to spend a smidgen of time get­ting to know her first.

      GKPJ02024 Large Keyword 20111219 1014 All I Want For Christmas

      Cute, right? The feet unzip! You can have it embroi­dered to per­son­al­ize it, too. The tail is detach­able, but there isn’t a drop seat for easy … well, good luck not get­ting that cute lit­tle hood with the ears on it in the toi­let. And guys, if you think some lovin’ will ensue once she puts this fuzzy wuzzy get up on, good luck get­ting into it. This is no For­ever Lazy with the EZ escape panels.

      Oh, you think it’ll be more fun if you could have one, too? Fear not. Looky! It’s manly and collegiate.

      GKPJ02014 Large Keyword 20110802 1510 All I Want For Christmas

      Noth­ing says ‘come hither’ like a man in a grown up onsie!

      Don’t leave out the kids and pets. If one of you is going to look ridicu­lous, then the entire crew should have to suf­fer. Hey! it’s next year’s Christ­mas card!

      hoodiefootiewinterwhimsyfamily Medium Keyword 20111128 1044 150x300 All I Want For Christmas

       
       
       
       

      So, are ready to head over to the Paja­m­a­Gram web­site? Your palms are sweaty with excite­ment, right? Before you grab that credit card, you should know the price of these dar­ling hol­i­day jam­mies. For adults, it’s a mere $79.99. Infants and tod­dlers run $25.99 — $29.99, Kids $39.99! Oh, and let’s not for­get the mew-mew and pup! Those will cost you $19.99. Believe it or not, the XS-Large for pets are out of stock!

      Aren’t you glad you have me to keep you informed on these must-not-miss prod­ucts? Did you catch my 2011 As Seen On TV review? Did you catch my reviews from 2009? How about this one from May of 2009?

      My ques­tion to you is if you’ve ever made late night insom­nia induced crazy infomer­cial or web-surfing pur­chases and regret­ted it? How about a happy end­ing and you are so glad you picked up the phone and took advan­tage of the lim­ited time offers? Please share your story, will you?

        As Seen On TV 2011

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        Christ­mas always brings with it an onslaught of crappy ‘as seen on tv’ gifts to give to that per­son you don’t really know well or hate or … well, you just feel like throw­ing away money. When I was a kid K-Tel Records and Ronco ruled the air­waves on the lim­ited num­ber of tele­vi­sion chan­nels avail­able. Who remem­bers the ter­rific con­trap­tion that would turn soda bot­tles and jars into drink­ing glasses? How about the doo-hicky that helped you cre­ate gift bows? or the But­toneer? That thing basi­cally used plas­tic price tag things to attach but­tons to apparel. I just did a Google search on it and you can still pur­chase it. How­ever, it’s updated and more stream­lined. Sorry, I can’t find that bot­tle to drink­ing glass gad­get. Darn. Ooooh, did you have a Bedaz­zler? I did. Worked like a piece of dung! I gave it to my niece … hey! It wasn’t regifting.

        So, this year I went in search of the worst of the worst ideas in my hum­ble opin­ion. We can agree to dis­agree on them. A cou­ple of years ago I bravely reviewed (with­out really try­ing the prod­ucts) a hand­ful of items in a blog post called, What Not To Buy and another As Seen On TV Sat­ur­day Sick­ness. I can’t be 100% sure, but I pick on an exer­cise pro­gram that may or may not be a prod­uct that would even­tu­ally help me lose weight. I can admit when I’m wr … wrrrrrr… wrrroooo.. wrrrrrr … Hey! I hadn’t reviewed the prod­ucts first hand. Get off me.

        Here are the hand­ful of untested prod­ucts. I’m rat­ing them on the idi­otic nature of the infomer­cial. Some­times, no mat­ter how they spin it, it still comes across like a crap­tac­u­lar product.

        First up is the My BOOTY BELT! If you’re like me, you clicked this assum­ing it was an invi­ta­tion for a wild night of boudoir shenani­gans. Wrong! It is a piece of elas­tic with snap on it to help close the gap in your jeans because you have a badonkadonk like Jen­nifer Lopez. Sup­pos­edly, it will pre­vent the rest of the world from view­ing your coin slot. Or, as the case may be for some of us heftier types, the roll of Ben­jamins slot. Oh yeah. Woo!
        Sorry there isn’t a video avail­able for embed­ding on this one. You’ll have to click the link pro­vided to view the com­mer­cial. Per­son­ally, I think it cre­ates a ter­ri­ble look. The extra fab­ric gath­ers and I’m will­ing to bet it will even­tu­ally work its way down and under the thick strip of elas­tic. I don’t need to try it to know it’s a piece of doo-doo. Maybe you could pair it up with the BOOTY POP and go for broke with your big bad mam-a-jamma self at the club. Work it guuuurl.

         

        To keep with the but­tocks theme, I present to you the FANNY FARTING BANK. This booty prod­uct you’re glad has a vis­i­ble coin slot. It’s the gift that adds inter­est to 41OYhbnJzcL. SL500 AA300 150x150 As Seen On TV 2011your cof­fee table AND your bank account. *rimshot*… ewww aren’t you glad I didn’t use ‘rim’ in another use? Bwa­haha Oh yeah, all this humor and nary a shot of tequila has been consumed.

        blo and go 150x150 As Seen On TV 2011Next on the list is the BLO AND GO. Yeah, I totally went there, too. Sorry, guys, this is a thing-a-ma-jig you put on the bath­room wall for hands free blow­ing … wait a minute! HAIR DRYING, you silly, cheeky mon­keys. Once again I must inform you that a youtube video isn’t avail­able for instant view­ing. But I can assure you that a REAL HOLLYWOOD hair styl­ist gives his tes­ti­mo­nial to the ter­ri­fan­tas­ti­cal qual­ity of the Blo and Go. Now that I take a gan­der at the appa­ra­tus with­out the hair dryer attached … Never mind. Onward.

        OPEN X 300x224 As Seen On TV 2011

        haha I don’t know if this prod­uct is use­less or not, but I love the facial expres­sion of the woman nosh­ing on the hard plas­tic pack­ag­ing of the coil light bulb.

        OK, this next one is so freakin’ asi­nine that it ALMOST leaves me speech­less. But you know me by now. I’ll find the words. I intro­duce to you, the SPIN GYM. Really? really. REAAAAAALLY! Pick up a damn $3.00 dumb­ell like a nor­mal per­son. Stop it with all the fool­ish inven­tions. do a push up off the wall and you achieve real results. GACK! Argh.  Another thing is,ladies, how many of you are going to break into using this stu­pid gyroscope-ish thing while wait­ing in line at the bank? Toss this one into the cor­ner with that Shake Weight.

          Fresh and Clean

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          Remem­ber the other day when I posted about Charmin toi­let paper? I made a crack *tee hee* about them wip­ing up the com­pe­ti­tion with their adver­tis­ing geared toward peo­ple who get toi­let paper balls *hehe* stuck to their butts and what­nots.  Well, Quilted North­ern one upped them by direct­ing their prod­uct at women who just want to feel clean. Might I sug­gest installing a bidet? Ease up on the fiber?

          My father gave me advice a bazil­lion years ago about never skimp­ing on cer­tain items at the gro­cery store. Go cheap on nap­kins, flour, jelly, but never, ever under any cir­cum­stances go generic on toi­let paper because, “Noth­ing is worse than hav­ing a poke-through …” Dad was a col­or­ful and wise man.

           

            Wiping up the competition

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            Here I sit let­ting my tuchus get wider as I peruse and amuse (myself) on Twit­ter and Face­book — simul­ta­ne­ously. The tele­vi­sion is on Life­time. Will and Grace reruns. I am being amused thricely!

            Any­who, a com­mer­cial came on for Charmin toi­let tis­sue. It hit me. The mar­ket­ing for the prod­uct relies solely upon it not leav­ing those itty bitty bits of TP on your furry butt. Cute? Gross?

            charmin bears Wiping up the competition

            Ain’t so subtle.

            My favorite in the not-so-discreet cat­e­gory is the bush trim­ming razor.

            May­haps if peo­ple with hairy butts used this Schick Quat­tro Trim Style they’d have less toi­let paper build up.

              The Breakfast of Champions

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              Take a gan­der at this photo. At first, I con­sid­ered crop­ping it so it would fit bet­ter on the page. All that extra dead space seemed a waste. Then, I real­ized the impor­tance of the time stamp. 

              IMAG1792 608x1024 The Breakfast of Champions

              While at the laun­do­rama mind­ing my own dirty laun­dry, I spied with my lit­tle eye … a mom feed­ing her tod­dler neon orange Chee­tos and Sprite. Again, notice the time stamp. That is AM, by the way.

              Here’s a close view of the child’s morn­ing feast.

              IMAG1795 178x300 The Breakfast of Champions

              Hold up! She has a bot­tle, Sprite and Chee­tos. Surely exactly what a grow­ing girl needs. My judg­men­tal ire came out and I was all ready to point fin­gers and blather on and on about how this is child abuse — some of you may jump on that. Then, I started think­ing about how it isn’t my place to cast dis­parag­ing remarks on this woman. For all I know, this mom and daugh­ter had been up for hours and 9 o’clock in the morn­ing is lunch time. Who the hell knows. I didn’t ask. Lord knows some of the things I’ve done as a par­ent has prob­a­bly left people’s jaws on the floor.

              Before you read the next part, let it be known we make real efforts to eat health­ier food with only an occa­sional dip in the “I can’t believe we’re eat­ing this crap” food category.

              Parental Con­fes­sion: As a par­ent of a once finicky eater, I admit to feed­ing my son what­ever it was he would eat regard­less of the time of day. His pri­mary school years were tricky. As a tod­dler, Man­cub HATED milk but loved cheese. Now he goes through about 4–5 gal­lons of the moo-juice per week. As I was say­ing, the boy was once quite picky. His food choices were based on fix­a­tions. He went through a spaghetti phase. Then, there was the tuna salad with­out bread … just a fork and tuna salad in a bowl while enjoy­ing the Arthur the Aard­vark on PBS. In the morn­ing. Des­per­ate attempts to ensure my kidlette was nour­ished. After all, we’d peri­od­i­cally have break­fast for din­ner because all we had in the fridge were veg­gies and eggs. Hel­looooo omelet! And, here is where you can all throw your nutri­tion books at me and call me a fool­ish mom … Man­cub has eaten Ramen noo­dles for break­fast. Merely feed­ing those to him AT ALL may get your feath­ers ruf­fled. As I said, it was often a strug­gle to get him to eat any­thing before going off to school.

              Back to the photo. It’s not so much that Chee­tos are not a break­fast food. Tech­ni­cally, I don’t think they can be con­sid­ered food at all … but I digress. What point am I try­ing to make here? Oh yeah, par­ent­ing isn’t easy and feed­ing your kids is often a real bat­tle between what you know is best for them and what they will eat. You know the darling’s tummy is rum­bling. So, what do you do? Ide­ally, feed them at home. Prefer­ably a nutri­tious meal. How­ever, if you’re in a jam for what­ever rea­son … and kiddo is whin­ing … you give them any­thing to pre­vent a total melt down. At least she wasn’t eat­ing M&Ms (also avail­able in the vend­ing machine) and wash­ing them down with Sprite.

                Another Thing I Do Not Understand

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                It is said that a pic­ture is worth a thou­sand words… Well, not long ago I shared my feel­ings and con­fu­sion over the onslaught of women wear­ing paja­mas in pub­lic. Add to the list preg­nant women not wear­ing cloth­ing to fit their pro­trud­ing tum­mies and low rise jeans so tight that the slight­est bend or squat leads to ‘coin slot’ aka butt crack expo­sure. What is most mind bog­gling about it is they don’t seem to care!!

                OK, so this is another thing that annoys and con­fuses me:

                316569 263880233648859 182967001740183 674346 1361037197 n 300x248 Another Thing I Do Not Understand

                  I’m a Housewives Junky!

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                  I admit it. I get more than my share of real­ity TV weekly. Oh, surely you are sur­prised by that given the intel­lec­tual posts you’ve read thus far. Heh! There is some­thing about the train wreck qual­ity that pulls me in. Yes, I real­ize there are more impor­tant things that could be done with my time. Please, do not judge me. Guilty plea­sures give bal­ance to an oth­er­wise daunt­ing world. If it is any con­so­la­tion to your con­cern about my brain mat­ter ooz­ing from my ears, I have read the works of Jane Austen and take delight in the His­tory Channel.

                  The fol­low­ing par­ody was stum­bled upon while search­ing for another Sat­ur­day Night Live clip fea­tur­ing a chant­ing woman … song sim­i­lar to the theme from The Omen (which is cur­rently on AMC for their Fear Fest lead­ing up to Hal­loween). Such music can make any­thing appear fright­en­ing. That was going to be my point in what was meant to be my orig­i­nal post today. I couldn’t find it. Clearly my search skills are lim­ited. How­ever, this just made my day. The women of SNL take on the style of Real House­wives with Bravo’s Andy Cohen. I lurve him!